Diana Pharaoh Francis | Diana P. Francis | Diana Francis

Archive for 'funnies'

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Monday, October 14th, 2013
Weird days

I wrote nearly 4k words today. Keep in mind I’m almost at the end of the book and I still don’t quite know the ending. I do have some strong ideas, and that’s better than where I was the other day. Let’s hope I know more very soon. Very soon. I figure I have about 22K left to write. That’s not a lot of room to not know and I’ll be facing some serious revision if i can’t get it figured out.

I made some brownies. I accidentally quadrupled the recipe. Don’t ask me how. I’ve got talents you don’t even know about. And yes, it was an accident. I didn’t actually want to cook that much. I don’t mind eating that much, but probably my body wouldn’t care for it.

I took the kids to get library cards today. Got me one too. I feel more official Oregonian now.

Tomorrow I have to go to Costco. And I don’t have children to tote the stuff. Sigh. I will endeavor to carry for myself.

I have now made reservations for Norwescon. So as of now, I will be at:

Orycon
Rainforest Writers Retreat
Norwescon
Miscon
Spocon

If anybody is going to be around, let me know! We’ll get together!

Tuesday, September 3rd, 2013
Whoooosh! and the day goes by

Got up this morning (a big triumph) and went to Safeway and Costco. Walked through all of Costco and good thing I did because they had some summer sausage in. Compared to the grocery store, it’s cheap as hell and we can slice it for sandwiches. I bought a bunch, since it’s seasonal, and we can freeze it. Oh, also weighed myself. Despite eating a LOT while visiting fam, I don’t seem to have gained anything. Unless my body is waiting to let me know in a few days. Always a possibility.

Came home and labeled my daughter’s school supplies. I’m worried. She’s in 4th grade and they put her in a classroom of 3rd and 4th graders. I really need to talk to the teacher about this. I’m really afraid that she’ll stay at the 3rd level and not get the push to do 4th work. Or that the teacher won’t spend enough time on 4th grade concepts. Really worried. Tonight is an open house and I’m hoping to find out more. I would much rather have her in a 4th grade classroom, especially since this is her first time at this school and class sizes are larger. If she stays in this classroom, I will need to be deeply involved (I would anyway, but in a different way I think).

I should have taken a picture, but in Safeway, my son picked up a package of bacon. I think it might have been precooked, but not sure. On the bottom, it said package contains 9-11 slices. He about died laughing. He wondered if the people packing the bacon got hungry and so ate some of the slices, which accounts for the 9 v. 11 slice packages. He thought maybe they ought to be told to eat before working, or wear gags. I have to admit, thinking about it is pretty damned funny. I mean, if there were people packing the bacon, how would they be able to stop from snitching some? It’s meat candy, after all. Would they have to be Jewish and Muslim? And of course, if you’re a practicing Jew/Muslim, then chances are, you won’t be working in a pork factory. Which brings us back to MEAT CANDY!

yes, these are the things I think about. (and yes, I know packaging varies according to weight, but I much prefer this explanation.)

I have registered for Sasquan, which is the name of Worldcon 2015. I know at least some of those who are planning it and they will do a good job.  I can also drive to it. That’s always a plus. Hopefully I can carpool over and maybe find a roommate.

Tomorrow I have to get the kidlets off to school at wildly varying star times (an hour between). That’s going to suck. But I will hopefully be able to get onto a writing routine and get things done.

 

 

Wednesday, August 21st, 2013
Writing post

Because yes.

How to Publish Your Book

Explore more infographics like this one on the web’s largest information design community – Visually.

Monday, August 12th, 2013
The telegraph

Thank you all for your lovely suggestions on my telegraph argument. I have filmed myself and perhaps one day you will get to see that, but in the meantime, here’s the essential script for your enjoyment and tears.

Read the rest of this entry »

Sunday, August 11th, 2013
Pull up your pants, pull down your shirt

We went shopping today for shorts for my husband.  We were on the way out when this man came into the store. He was large. He wore his shorts cinched very low beneath a large gut and his shirt only came down about 3/4 the way, exposing a lot of skin of the stomach and a fair bit on the crack side too. Now here’s the thing. A lot of men do this thing where their “waist size never changes.” Only it does. But they never buy bigger clothing, they just push the clothes further down and cinch them lower  on the hips to let the stomach have its fleshy way. So I ask my husband, why didn’t the man buy a bigger shirt? His response was first, the man can’t see the gap because his stomach is blocking the way (har har) and apparently the guy has no mirror. But more than that, he’s probably had that shirt for twenty years and as far as he’s concerned, it fits just as well now as it did then.

Let me tell you: it doesn’t. My FIL used to do this (he’s lost weight for health reasons, but never changed his sizes). For a long time he did the exact same thing and let me tell you, I didn’t want to be behind him or in front of him. I didn’t really need to be seeing the parts of him I was exposed to. I have to wonder, do men think that they hit a certain size and it can never ever change? They will never gain or lose weight? Never get a gut? Am I the only one who notices?

gutmangut

Sunday, April 21st, 2013
Two Incredibly Important Things

First, I’m giving away another Amazon certificate. Forgot how much. Like maybe 10-15 bucks. Comment here to win. Say something entertaining if you like. In fact, tell me how much you love the gym . . .

And to go with the that, FUNNIES!

Friday, April 12th, 2013
Tomorrow’s Book Club

Tomorrow we discuss A Turn of LIght by Julie Czerneda for book club. Wheee! I will say, however, that because of unexpected soccer scheduling (as in we just got the schedule for tomorrow), we’ll have to start in the afternoon, if that’s all right.

You ever had one of those days where it feels all your nerves are exposed and getting pecked at by woodpeckers? That was my day. I’m seeking calm now. Sadly, eating myself into a stupor doesn’t seem like a good idea (I don’t have the chocolate for it anyhow), and I’ve never been good at drinking when I’m upset (I only get sick), and when I try meditation, there’s frequent moments of Squirrel! So I’m on the couch with a book (well, as soon as I’m done here) and dogs and tea and quiet. We’ll see if that works. Tomorrow will be exercise. I want to take the dogs for a long ramble, just as soon as I buy new leashes, since their old ones have vanished (what was that? One of the woodpeckers? Yes). Poor things. I got them all prepped to go tonight and no leashes to be found. I discovered that one promptly chewed through a soaker hose in revenge. Gotta get stuff to fix that next, I spose.

And as this is entirely appropriate and funny, I’m including it:

Sing the chorus loud when you get there. For me. Wait for it. You’ll know what it is.

Friday, March 15th, 2013
The day that was/is

Remember that post I made with the saddle that reminded me of Sheri Tepper’s Grass? Today I got awesome spam mail wanting to buy it. Bwahahahaha! And if it *was* like the Grass device, they’d be so very sorry to get it, too.

I’m getting closer to getting the WIP in progress right. Got feedback from my agent today. I have some tweaks and a cool and interesting addition to make that I hadn’t thought of before and then, hopefully, I’ll be set.

Bon Jovi has a new album out. I want to get it. I remember seeing them for the Slippery When Wet Tour in Fresno with Cinderella opening.

My lovely and wonderful husband surprised me with flowers today. Terribly surprising, given he’s in Oregon. I cried. I admit it. Love that man. Miss him. Two weeks til I get to see him again.

All the Crosspointe books and two of the Path books (three will come soon), are available on Audible.com. I haven’t had a chance to listen yet, so if anyone has, how are they?

If you haven’t seen this, it’s hilarious. Poor sales guy.

Friday, November 30th, 2012
Three little pigs as would have been told by Shakespeare

By way of OMG funny, you need to watch this. The initial bit is about a minute long or so, and then the tale. Please watch. It’s so funny.

Friday, July 13th, 2012
Friday Funnies

I ran across this one and thought it was pretty amusing.

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOUR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have, similar to my character lines.



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