I have been trying to gather my thoughts to express my feelings about this election and the next four years. I feel scared. Really scared. And vulnerable. That’s the word that sums it up best. I can’t imagine how other targeted groups feel, but as a woman, as a mother, as someone in the middle class, as someone who believes in equality for everyone–I’m really really scared. I’ve found myself crying these last days out of stress and those fears. I’ve been trying to pick myself up with some family things and also watching Christmas movies. But I still have lead in my stomach and I still want to curl up in a ball and pull the covers up over my head.
One of my friends said that she’s been in a low level panic. I’d say that I’ve been the same. My blood pressure is up, I’ve been in a constant state of nausea, and it’s been a real struggle to keep myself from sort of collapsing. This too shall pass, but I fear that these next four years will leave behind an aftermath like Hurricane Katrina. Only much much worse.
I have no idea how to feel better. I’m just trying to figure out how to deal with this new normal. Never in my life have I been so frightened by and for America’s future.
I’ve been trying to focus on writing and thinking maybe I need to write some lighter escapist sort of fiction. It’s not a lot to give to other people sharing my fears and panic and sense of danger, but it’s something. I have to focus on the the people around me and buoy them as much as I can. I need to be a port in a storm for whoever needs it. I need to raise my voice against hate. I need to speak out for those who are endangered and threatened. I need to be as much a light in the darkness as I can be.