Diana Pharaoh Francis | Diana P. Francis | Diana Francis

Archive for the 'Funny' Category

Monday, June 24th, 2019
Pillow Sagas

I have journeyed far and wide, searched through stores and catalogs and even kickstarter, searching for the perfect pillow. My demands are not too grand or onerous, I think. I believe myself to be perfectly reasonable, searching for a pillow that allows me to sleep and wake again refreshed, without a sore neck, shoulders, or spine. Alas I have come so close, even believing I have discovered The One, and then to find in a week or a month, that the pillow was leading me on, pretending to be perfect, mayhap hiding its extra fluff, sucking it in until it could no longer manage and then bursting into a giant puff all. Or supporting my neck and head at just the right angle, holding its breath until it could no longer and then slowly deflating into a torpid puddle. There has been down, chunked up memory foam, spaghetti memory foam, gel, fiberfill. There has been gussets and no gussets, King size and standard size. Strange bumps and shapes and traditional rectangles. Firm and soft and medium and medium firm and medium soft.

And yet, my neck and shoulders and spine continue to ache.

Woe unto me. Woe. Where is The One? The pillow destined to make me the happiest of women? What will I have to sacrifice to obtain it? First born? My soul? Where is my fairy godmother to deliver me into sleeping bliss?

Monday, June 10th, 2019
Di Versus . . . Whatever

Once again, I have lost. Was walking the dogs today in a lovely big park with tons of oak trees, a creek, lots of meadows and tall grasses, and squirrels. Lots of squirrels. The dogs find these highly entertaining and try to yank my arms out of their sockets as often as possible. However, the dogs had little to do with today’s events.

We were walking along a little stretch where there are lots of squirrels and the dogs were running back and forth to eagerly look at them. I was walking along, entertained by the puppies, when I stepped in a squirrel hole. These little guys excavate like crazy and while they do run up and down trees, the live in holes.

The hole I stepped in was really a divot because it had been filled in mostly, which actually made it all the more embarrassing when I fell. Like a freaking tree. I sat myself up and discovered that my left knee was all scraped up and painful. I managed to get up and get dusted off, and limp off into the sunset, so to speak. When I got home, I found I had the beginning of a really impressive bruise on the inside of my left wrist and heel of my palm. It’s growing bigger and more impressive every moment.

And lo, once again, Di lost in the game of Di versus . . . Whatever.

I want to mention that I do have a new book out,  called The Witchkin Murders and it’s a fantasy police procedural with some romance. If you’d like to read a couple of chapters for free, click here.

Also, today is my 29th wedding anniversary. My son graduated High School last week. So happy things!


Thursday, September 6th, 2018
The Dear Diary entries

I’ve taken to writing dear diary tweets. I don’t particularly know why, but I have, and so I’ll share some of them with you.


Dear Diary: Am I really supposed to marry this moron? I mean, lots of women fit that shoe. A few men, too. Is that really how a smart man finds his wife? Doesn’t bother to actually talk to her and make sure she’s the one?

Dear Diary: Sure, the prince kisses me and wakes me up. That’s lovely. I’m happy to be alive. But! I was in a coffin. He thought I was dead. What sort of man does that make him? Should I just go back to the dwarfs?

Dear Diary: Who knew I was so allergic to rabbits and March hares? And no place to get allergy medicine. Why are there no drugstores in Wonderland? Or Kleenex?

Dear Diary: Just once I”d like to go a week or two without tripping over a dead body. People are starting to wonder if I’m a Typhoid Mary. Even Seth is giving me the side-eye. Why do corpses have to fall in my path so often?

Dear Diary: Somebody has got to get Aragorn some decent shampoo. I mean, we’ve been on this trips weeks and my hair is still silky and beautiful. His is stringy and greasy. Worse, he seems to LIKE it that way. Even the DWARF has better hair habits.

Dear Diary: One cannot have too much jewelry no matter what the orcs say. The elves could have added a little bling, though. Bland bastards. Everything has to be “simple” and natural. Ugly I call it.

Also, remember to have a look at Putting the Fun in Funeral. It’s super fun!