Long Time No Blog and A Snippet
Yes it has been way too long since I’ve blogged. There are several reasons. The most major one is that I have generalized anxiety and depression. I don’t feel like I should even say that because a) I don’t really think it’s that bad, but I am medicated and I run into sadness with some frequency; and b) I feel like a lot of other people have it a lot worse; and c) it’s just me being a big baby and I should suck it up and get over it. However, when things get away from me, I start to turtle. That means I pull inside my little shell (house/life) and I avoid a lot of stuff like emails and things that aren’t vitally necessary. I can’t handle too many appointments in a week, or too many obligations. I find it difficult to get motivated a lot of the time to do chores.
I have been reading and writing and I have been taking the dogs out almost daily, and I have been doing things for my mom and trying to stay on top of her needs. I don’t feel like I ought to be overwhelmed, but I guess I must be because I’m turtling.
I get ocular migraines (this actually isn’t a change of subject, so hold on, I’ll connect up in a minute). I’ve had them for more than 20 years. What happens is I get halos, but more than that, I get dizzy, almost like I’m having a head rush. I also get the shakes a little sometimes, and every so often, I start to feel like I’m going to pass out. Back in Indiana I saw a neurologist who found nothing wrong, and then I went to the eye doctor who said this was classic ocular migraines. I was also tested and don’t seem to have orthostatic blood pressure issues.
I get these dizzy spells randomly. Sometimes shortly after getting up. Sometimes randomly walking through a store. Sometimes when I look up. There doesn’t see to be any rhyme or reason to when. It bothers me and in the last few years I’ve grown less satisfied with the ocular migraine diagnosis. Anyhow, for reasons I can’t remember, I looked up vertigo. It seemed to match up significantly with my symptoms. So I talked to my doctor about it (she’s also adjusting my medications) and she sent me to a physical therapist and turns out, I do have vertigo.
It’s not caused by the little crystals in ear getting out of place. I guess we have three things that help us balance: eyes, ears, and the bottoms of our feet. Turns out my ears are doing a half-assed job. The therapist gave me some exercises. Doing them seems to increase the dizziness and make me feel worse, at least in the short term (I only saw him for the first time yesterday). So I’m sure it will even out, but until then, I have to feel wonky and weird.
I had feared that this had something to do with my medications for depression, so it’s kind of a relief that it’s not. I’m also trying to find a therapist, preferable a telehealth one. It’s much easier to make myself go to a session at home. I found several through my insurance company who are supposed to be taking patients, and they aren’t. So I’m on a waiting list. Next week I’ll try to find another one.
I have been sitting in front of my SAD lamp. Didn’t help that I drove over something and put a giant hole in a tire. It will set us back nearly $300. What’s annoying is that it was unnecessary because if I’d been just a little bit more careful and patient, I wouldn’t have done it. I also cut myself tonight while cooking. Dammit.
I have been writing and am well into my next Everyday Disasters book. I’m not yet sure of the title. I’ll be posting some stuff from it on my Patreon shortly if you want to get an early shot at it. I also started doing some knitting again. Helps me avoid doomscrolling. I just finished a hat for my daughter. I’m going to make a matching pair of mitts and a two-color brioche scarf. The patterns don’t require a lot of focus, but make me feel like I’m managing and that’s good, right?
Here’s a little snippet from the book for you:
“A murder?” Her voice rose into a squawk. “That motherfucker has got you involved in a murder?” She shouted the last bit. “What the hell was he thinking dragging you into something that dangerous?”
“I was thinking she could help us find the kidnap victims,” Mike said evenly.
“That’s your job and clearly you suck at it since you can’t seem to solve a crime without her help. She’s not a cop and you’ve no right to involve her. Are you trying to get her killed?”
I thought about pointing out how rude it was to talk about me while I was sitting right there, but as long as Jen was chewing out Mikey, I wasn’t her target. I had a feeling I would be when I told her I was going to pursue the killer on my own. Well, hopefully with a little help from Mason and my mother.
I too live in the Northwest. I have fair skin. We tested my Vitamin D levels after a sunny summer and I was very low so I am taking 10,000 IUs of Vitamin D. I know it sounds like a lot but it finally brought my levels up to normal. I feel different taking the Vitamin D, more of my usual glass half full.
Have you thought to have your levels checked?
I have had it checked. Had my physical about a month ago and it was good. I do take Vitamin D, though, because I agree I don’t want it to get low.
I am so sorry you have vertigo. I had it a few years back, and found a few things that have helped. First, I take an amino acid called GABA. It took months to catch up with the vertigo, but it did make it go away. Make sure it won’t interact with meds you’re on. Second, I did eye exercises, while standing on a board on a hemisphere, so it rocked. That helped too. So I think the PT is a good idea. Third, I’ve had seriously good luck with Kristen Neff’s Self-Compassion book an the followup. Check out her website self-compassion.org for exercises and meditations. Fourth, there is an app called Curable with an enteresting take on pain. It sent me down a long emotional journey, but my migraines are gone, and my emotional issues are much improved. I know how hard it is to take care of an aging parent. It is super hard, and you are a rock star for doing it. Take time to take care of yourself too. Best wishes.
Just because others “have it worse” than you does not diminsh the reality of your pain. I think that is a hurtful way to process your pain Your pain is just as valid as anyone else’s. We can and should sympathize/empathize with others who have it worse, but in no way should that become a belittling of our own pain. That suck it up mentality is damaging. (Well, when you do something that you know better – like getting a speeding ticket, or turning left on a very red light (experience here)- or could have avoided then the suck it up can come out to play.) But pain (emotional and physical) is not and shouldn’t be a suck it up situation. Pain is pain. The degree makes no difference. It’s like telling someone who is depressed to “Just be happy”. Thanks, but it doesn’t work like that. You are amazing for taking care of your Mom, it is really hard to care for an aging parent- I watched my best friend have to go through that and it was so hard.
Sending well wishes and kudos for sharing your pain. You have permission (like you need my permission) to turtle if that is what helps you cope, take care of you!