The telegraph

Thank you all for your lovely suggestions on my telegraph argument. I have filmed myself and perhaps one day you will get to see that, but in the meantime, here’s the essential script for your enjoyment and tears.

Dr. Diana Francis, PhD, MA and BA.  I have studied words and telegraphing extensively in my long career. I was born before the telegraph was invented and I’ve seen it in the best and worst of times. I am here to tell you that it is tried and true technology, more dependable than any other, and it will soon be rising back up and become The Dominant Technology in the World.


Telegraphing was an early form of texting. People would spend hours drafting a text and sending them all over the world. Over time, the speeds grew quicker until It became the best form of government communication. No one could tap the line. Everything was secret. This was particularly important when discussing the location of Atlantis and the steady stream of aliens arriving in Russia, Canada, and Miami, Florida.  Now that the government is deeply involved in all our lives and regularly puts wiretaps on all our electronics and has video feeds from inside our bathrooms, our closets, our basements, and our cars. No one has privacy. Telegraphing is the answer and will easily integrate into society, as people already text heavily and no longer like to speak to one another in person. Additionally telegraphing has the added cachet of being vintage, which will draw many want to use it.


But even more importantly, one never knows when the internet will go down and vanish forever. A little known fact the internet is being run an inept government department called the Interior Under the Sink and Outside a Mausoleum and Upside Down in a Rubber Raft. (acronym IUSOMUDRR), though (lean forward) I can tell you that within the IUSOMUDRR, it’s there is a war between two factions. One is a secret cabal of alienated muppets who in fact, discovered the internet but were bullied out of the credit by Al Gore, and now are out to bring down their creation and have already eaten most of the Apples except Fujis and Granny Smiths and Soon will completely infiltrate Google, Intel, Samsung, and China. They wish to destroy the internet forever.


On the other side is a group of Big-Footed Yetis who seek to—well, truth be told, no one really knows what they want, except they despise the hairless, small-footed human types and they eat a lot of Pop-Tarts and Cap’n Crunch. They have taken up residence in a secret undergroung bunker inside Telegraph Hill in San Francisco, California. Using a literal interpretation of their new home, they wish to make Telegraph Hill the center of the universe and require all to worship them with a constant use of telegraphs. They plan to house the only node for telegraphs, and all messages will flow through their hill. Most people might think that Big-footed Yetis don’t have the mental acuity to develop such plans, much less see them accomplished. That, ordinarily, would be true. However, these Yetis have undergone massive mutation. During a an immense solar flare in the 80s, they were struck by errant gamma rays passing through the flare from deep outside the known universe. These rays, unlike the Bannerian gamma rays which created the Hulk, increase brain activity of struck organism, exponentially increasing intellect and intelligence. The new gamma rays were discovered by Dr. Doofenshmirtz in 1999, however, the added influence of passing through the solar rays was unprecedented and now these Yetis far surpass human mental capabilities. The changes to their genetics have passed to their offspring and oddly, their fertility has increased considerably. I have no doubt that they will succeed in their goals within the next 20 years. Take heed and prepare now.


Both the Yetis and the muppet cabal are determined to bring down the internet and return to the telegraph, for good reason. I believe that before long, they will join forces and the internet will shrivel and be gone overnight.


The telegraph will replace cell phones and email because it will be far cheaper and not require anyone to either use the internet or have to actually speak to anyone on their phones. Also, telegraph’s make cool noises and allow someone to deliver the message. Everyone loves to get mail from someone in a little telegraph uniform. Additionally, the telegraph is not susceptible to computer viruses, and information is easily protected with the use of codetalkers. Yeti language and muppet language is largely unknown to the rest of the world, and thus will give them a means of controlling their empires and benefitting all. It will also mean no more annoying texting and phone calls in restaurants and movie theaters, and no one will be seen randomly talking aloud seemingly to themselves. Additionally, this will free up bandwidth and satellites for more useful reality television programming.


In the end, few people will fight against the change—they have no need and they will be pacified by the lure of new reality programming and the thrill of sending telegraph messages. An added bonus is that literacy will increase (with an increase in text-speak among all age groups) and there will be no more cell phone related problems.




No more sexting


No more accidents caused by people on phones or texting


No more kids cheating in school using phones


No more Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and so on. Kids will start talking at the dinner table again, talking to their parents, and talking to one another.


These are only a few of the benefits that will appear once the telegraph returns.



One Comment

  • pooks

    So the fact that I know Morse Code [well, used to and could brush up on it] is no longer irrelevant in the world as we know it?


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